Like anything in life there is always going to be the good and the bad. Roses are beautiful and they have a wonderful fragrance. However, many have thorns that can pierce even the thickest of leather gardening/ work gloves.

There are two main points that comprise the dark side of improvement.

First

Understand that there is no magic pill for self-improvement. Self-improvement is a process which takes time, effort, and planning. It can’t be as simple as taking the red or the blue.

We are creatures that have evolved from an early man and woman that had to fight to survive. Therefore, we learn best from pain. When you were a child, first learning how to ride a bike, your Mom likely did all she could to prepare you for that first ride. She showed you how to balance the bike, pedal, and control its direction. However, despite her best attempts at keeping you balanced, you probably fell a few times before you got the hang of balance.

I remember my  mom teaching me to ride a bike. She sat on the porch, sewing and talking me through the process of riding that bike. When I wanted to give up, she reminded me of  “why” I wanted to learn in the first place. She also told me that if I gave up that would be up to me.

What I learned is pain doesn’t have to be bad, nor dysfunctional, as long as we learn from it  and as long as it’s not willfully inflicted on us by others. It’s always our choice.

As you move through your plan for self-improvement, expect to fall down so that you can get back up stronger.

Point #1 – Disappointment

Every year we make resolutions, only for most of us to give up on them before February rolls around. You start with all of the enthusiasm you can possibly have to support your optimistic belief that this will finally be the year you accomplish … whatever it is you want. 

Only, in the end, you end up with disappointment as your enthusiasm fades, or you fail to end up where you wanted to be.

Understand that while the concept of self-improvement can turn into something of a rabbit hole for us, it can be a powerful tool.

One of the fundamental aspects of our humanity is that we feel a need for improvement. We are wired to grow. It’s possible that this comes from some archaic evolutionary survival tool for ancient men and women. While it is a useful tool, it can become toxic for those of us who see this need for improvement as a flaw.

Let’s go back to the bike analogy:

If I had given up after trying for a few times to ride that bike … giving up because I just kept falling down … I would have forever created a pattern of failure in my subconscious mind and behaviors. My mom knew this which is why she approached the training as a way to make it become a victory for me once I chose to make it one.

I wanted to learn to ride a bike because I felt like I was being left behind every time my older brother went out riding his. I wanted to be a part of the action. That was what had me sticking to the pattern of learning … falling off, getting back on … discovering my ability to learn from failing or from not giving in to disappointment of not succeeding immediately.

I had room to grow, and something to learn. I had a way to improve. This one experience helped to create a pattern for life on overcoming disappointment.

Point #2 – Growth

Also, bear in mind, that like a child learning how to ride a bike with training wheels, the point of growth in self-improvement doesn’t occur when the goal is reached. It occurs when we learn. 

A child who is learning to ride her bike without training wheels is probably going to fall. For older generations, this entailed some form of knee skinning. Regardless, the entire experience is a teachable, and learning moment passed down from one generation to the next. 

We tend to see our goals just beyond our reach. When we stumble while reaching it’s important to remember that the stumble, or trip-up is a learning moment. Not a failure. The dark side and toxicity comes when we throw in the towel when we stumble rather than getting back up to try again.

Avoid Self-Judgment

As a side note, remember that you are always going to be your strongest & worst critic. This doesn’t mean that you should judge yourself. The process of self-improvement requires honest assessment, not self-judgement, and there is a big difference. 

Allowing yourself to fail to learn & grow is a tremendous gift. Changing the way you view your failures, not seeing them as disappointments and choosing to grow without self-judgement is the subconscious pattern you really want in your life.

If you interested in coaching with me, email me at denise@denisehansard.com to recieve more information.